Privacy Policy

Last updated: April 2, 2026 · Effective immediately

1. Who We Are

This website, kalua-claude.online, is a satirical parody project created for humor and social commentary. It is operated under the fictional brand "Kalua Industries Pvt. Ltd." (not a real company — registered under a banyan tree in village Bhelwadi).

This site has no affiliation with Anthropic, Claude AI, or any related entities.

2. Information We Collect

We collect almost nothing. Here's what happens:

• Chat Simulator: Any messages you type into the fake chat are processed entirely in your browser. Nothing is sent to any server. We don't store, read, or transmit your messages. Ever.
• Invoice Generator: The name and subscription info you enter for the "Roast Invoice" is processed locally in your browser. We never see it.
• Quiz & Certificate: Your quiz answers and certificate name are client-side only. Nothing is stored.
• Cookies: We don't use cookies. Not even the tasty kind.

3. Payments & Donations

If you choose to support Kalua by buying a chai (thank you!), payments are processed through Razorpay, a PCI-DSS Level 1 compliant payment gateway regulated by the Reserve Bank of India (RBI).

• We never see your card number, CVV, or UPI PIN.
• Razorpay securely processes your payment on their servers.
• Razorpay may collect your email and phone for payment receipts as per their own Privacy Policy.
• We receive only: the donation amount and transaction ID. That's it.

4. Analytics & Tracking

We may use privacy-friendly analytics (such as Plausible or Google Analytics) to understand how many people visit the site. This data is:

• Anonymized and aggregated
• Used only to understand traffic patterns
• Never sold to third parties
• Has less tracking than Claude has apologies (which is saying something)

5. Third-Party Services

This site uses the following third-party services:

• Razorpay — For payment processing. Subject to Razorpay's Privacy Policy.
• Google Fonts — For loading the Inter typeface. Google may collect anonymized font usage data.
• Vercel/Netlify — For hosting. Subject to their respective privacy policies.

6. Data Sharing

We do NOT share, sell, rent, or trade any user information with anyone. Period. We have more integrity than a Claude session that promises "I won't run out of tokens on you."

7. Children's Privacy

This site contains satirical humor intended for adults. We do not knowingly collect information from children under 13. If Kalua's jokes went over your child's head, that's probably for the best.

8. Your Rights

Since we don't collect personal data, there's nothing for us to delete, export, or hand over. But if you have questions about this policy, you can reach us at:

9. Changes to This Policy

We may update this policy occasionally. Unlike Claude's pricing, our changes will be transparent and clearly communicated. Last update date is always shown at the top.

10. Disclaimer

This is a parody/satire website. All content is based on publicly available community discussions and user feedback. We are not responsible for any emotional damage caused by realizing how much you've spent on Claude Pro.